Are you tired of those old solutions that just aren’t for you? Well, you’re in luck. Because this solution… Is for you. Introducing SolutionForYou, the solution. For you. Those tired old products they’re calling “solutions” these days just don’t solve anything anymore. Not so with SolutionForYou, which solves lots of things for consumers. Consumers like […]
Economists: problems we caused offer chance to foist prebuilt solutions on dim proles
Weighing in on the converging crises of runaway inflation, trade disruptions, and food scarcity, a number of economic policymakers and influencers have maintained that the impending disaster they have brought about represents a shining opportunity for premeditated socioeconomic upheaval. Speaking from atop his gilded Ivory Onyx staircase in the Azores, Klaus von DuPont Smedley-Kurtz III […]
Poll: people like to be polled
The people we polled have spoken: “yes!” to polls. The latest results from our polling indicate that people enjoy the experience of being polled. “I don’t think anyone saw that coming,” said Chief Polling Officer Jake Zinser of Pollers Express. “We were hoping for a ‘maybe’ at best, since—as we had thought—people don’t like […]
10 reasons CDC keeps COVID vaccine data secret
We distinguished disease controllers at the Centers for Disease Control advise you, intelligent reader, of the good reasons why we’ve not disclosed what we know about the novel products coursing through the veins of many of your fellow perusers. You see, we control disease. It’s in our name. So, anything we do is in […]
Federal Reserve notes a cheap, abundant source of insoluble fiber
Fiber isn’t sexy. In a nationwide poll to identify the least sexy of all the micro- and macronutrients, fiber came in first and third — insoluble fiber took gold, with soluble fiber winning bronze after sulfur narrowly edged it out to snag silver. Monetary policy isn’t sexy, either. No elaboration necessary. I never cared […]
Hair liberated as CROWN Act passes; fingernails bite selves awaiting own fate
Now that the “Creating a Respectful and Open World for Natural Hair Act of 2020” is safely on the books at long last, follicles are free to be themselves, as equals, for the first time in history. Amazing, the fact it took this long. And yet, hopeful. That we’ve come this far — together. […]
President slammed for choosing ‘X’ as third gender option: why not ‘Y’ or ‘O’?
Outrage has followed the announcement from the President that the letter “X” will be included as an option along with “F” and “M” for gender on U.S. Passports, as the ACLU and other organizations criticize what they view as flagrant consonant bias. The announcement, which came in the midst of a series of scandals […]
SPONSORED POST — Your Nuclear Fallout Shelter Should Convey Who You Are
Underground and shaking with terror? That’s no excuse for a dreary bunker! The tangible threat of global thermonuclear war is no reason to settle for a fallout shelter that doesn’t express your personal style. From floor to 7-foot ceiling, your shelter must shield its occupants from deadly radiation while reflecting your own unique vision of […]
Another journalist’s messy demise
Jim Ducker, an investigative journalist covering the involvement of government figures and corporate executives in high crimes against the public, was discovered dead this morning in a pool of his own blood, crushed by a cinder block that struck him six times and skewered by two daggers found embedded in his eye sockets. His death […]
Did this year’s Russian invasion of Ukraine cause last year’s inflation? Da.
When Pouty Putin and his putrid goons defiled the glorious nation of Ukraine by violating its sovereign borders on February 24, 2022, they were bringing a lot more with them than we’d thought: retroactive inflation. The telltale signs are there. When did inflation start to get really bad? 2021. When did those armies of […]