10 reasons CDC keeps COVID vaccine data secret

Disclosing pertinent data to patients is a great way to lose friends.

We distinguished disease controllers at the Centers for Disease Control advise you, intelligent reader, of the good reasons why we’ve not disclosed what we know about the novel products coursing through the veins of many of your fellow perusers.  

You see, we control disease.  It’s in our name.  So, anything we do is in aid of that noble purpose.  

We quite frankly would expect an intelligent reader like yourself to have known that already.  As an intelligent reader, would you say that expectation is justified?  We thought so.

So, as we actually have no need to provide anyone with a reason other than that, given our mutual understanding of the CDC’s good nature, the below list is our way of saying “Here—here’s some more.”

Because we care.  About controlling disease.

10 Good Reasons the Disease Controllers Withhold Data From You, the People

  1. We respect your maturity and intelligence too much.  The information just has to be not shared.
  2. It’s not all that important anyway, the information.
  3. It’s really just a bunch of numbers and letters configured in various positions—very boring.
  4. Most of our disease controllers don’t understand it either, so they don’t even know what they’re not intelligent enough to not share with you.
  5. Really, no one has the time to comb through all of this data anyhow, so why do you care?
  6. There’s just so much of it… the sheer volume of it all creates technical problems.
  7. Those technical problems can interfere with us doing our job of controlling disease.
  8. The world can’t afford for us to be interfered with as we control disease. 
  9. Diseases can be deadly, and you don’t want to die, do you?
  10. The level of safety and effectiveness achieved by the vaccines is too frightening.

Life-saving treatments this good have to be spoken of in secret.  You understand.

So, to the next skeptic who questions why the controllers of disease would want to protect people from information, just say, “They gave us ten good reasons—what are you, dense?”