Federal investigators recovered a handwritten “to-do list” rolled up in the style of a marijuana cigarette earlier this week at the residence of Paul Pelosi’s alleged attacker, David DePape. Although the handwriting in the document has been described as faint and “barely legible,” specialists have recreated the list below. [From the residence of David DePape] […]
I was shopping for diapers for my baby but couldn’t find any for my baby — all the diaper packages had pictures of babies who did not look like my baby. So where are the diapers for my baby? Something similar happened when I went to buy toothpaste at the pharmacy just down the […]
Don’t worry about the future. The present is troubling enough! But, there’s reason to rejoice, relax, and reframe our perceptions so that we can more easily embrace our roles within the post-apocalyptic economy directed by artificial intelligence, machine learning, and autonomous humanoid robots empowered with the lethal authority of the state. No matter how […]
After years of painstaking experimentation and grueling research, experts have finally determined the optimum method of absorbing H2O. The scientists who made the discovery announced yesterday the results of more than 40,000 randomized control trials that were conducted from 2007 to 2019 with the goal of identifying the safest and most efficient way to […]
As Election Day approaches in the United States, Democrats are pushing to keep the names of the deceased on voter lists nationwide as a means of preventing voter disenfranchisement. In response, Republicans across the country have begun vigorously campaigning in cemeteries and morgues.
Anthony Fauci, the embodiment of Science who assured everyone that they wouldn’t contract or spread Covid if they received an experimental gene therapy injection, wants to assure everyone of his sincere belief that he’s not completely full of it. Speaking to a handpicked selection of regime-approved news spreaders, the good doctor doubled down on his […]
In what has been hailed as a bold move in the fight against discrimination, President Biden has promised that his next appointment to the Supreme Court will be a red-haired, olive-skinned paraplegic no taller than six feet. The announcement came yesterday as the President’s handlers were swapping out the note cards that he uses to […]
The Federal Reserve has lashed out at the Millennial Generation for causing rampant inflation of the U.S. dollar. Millennials have agreed to take the blame for inflation, as long as the Fed accepts responsibility for taking out so many student loans.
You gotta hand it to Paul Pelosi. Not even Warren Buffett is this good. Just ahead of the announcement that Congress was scheduled to vote on a $52 billion subsidy for the computer chip industry, he acquired between $1 million and $5 million of stock in Nvidia, a semiconductor manufacturer. This man’s got a crystal […]
WASHINGTON—In a move that’s been baselessly criticized as an act of saving face, the White House has updated the definition of “senile dementia” in advance of President Biden’s cognitive examination. The decision was announced as part of a package of new definitions for terms like “recession,” “unemployment,” and “fit to hold office.” Chief of Staff […]