REVEALED: Paul Pelosi’s attacker’s to-do list

David DePape mugshot
David DePape is photographed at Central Booking as a final taunt against rival Nancy Pelosi.

Federal investigators recovered a handwritten “to-do list” rolled up in the style of a marijuana cigarette earlier this week at the residence of Paul Pelosi’s alleged attacker, David DePape.  Although the handwriting in the document has been described as faint and “barely legible,” specialists have recreated the list below.

[From the residence of David DePape]

Secret plan to get Nancy (shhhhh):

  1. get past security at the mansion of the elected official who’s third in line for presidency (NP)
  2. find her husband Paul’s hammer (check bedside table)
  3. strip down to underwear (this could also be step 1 or 2)
  4. break glass from inside house (to throw off investigators)
  5. confront Paul, tell him my name, then give him some privacy (so he can call Nancy and ask her to come home)
  6. wait for Nancy so I can break her kneecaps with her husband’s hammer
  7. if/when Nancy shows up: break Nancy’s kneecaps and become a f—ing hero; OR if/when cops show up: let Paul answer the door (he should be cool by then)
  8. convince responding officers everything’s ok (Paul to play along)
  9. post politically charged rhetoric online then delete posts on same day (be sure to do this after breaking into house)
  10. air everything out in court (wear a suit)