Author: S. Bolson

Who needs trees when you have technology?

Striking a blow against climate change, the Department of Energy will spend $3.5 billion on direct air capture, a thermochemical process that—as if by suction—pulls carbon dioxide out of the air.   When asked where the idea came from, Secretary Granholm explained: “The initiative came in response to an overwhelming number of inquiries about whether […]

Doing Is Done by Doers: Get SolutionForYou, the Solution for You

Are you tired of those old solutions that just aren’t for you? Well, you’re in luck. Because this solution… Is for you. Introducing SolutionForYou, the solution.  For you. Those tired old products they’re calling “solutions” these days just don’t solve anything anymore. Not so with SolutionForYou, which solves lots of things for consumers.  Consumers like […]

Economists: problems we caused offer chance to foist prebuilt solutions on dim proles

Weighing in on the converging crises of runaway inflation, trade disruptions, and food scarcity, a number of economic policymakers and influencers have maintained that the impending disaster they have brought about represents a shining opportunity for premeditated socioeconomic upheaval. Speaking from atop his gilded Ivory Onyx staircase in the Azores, Klaus von DuPont Smedley-Kurtz III […]

Poll: people like to be polled

The people we polled have spoken: “yes!” to polls. The latest results from our polling indicate that people enjoy the experience of being polled.   “I don’t think anyone saw that coming,” said Chief Polling Officer Jake Zinser of Pollers Express.  “We were hoping for a ‘maybe’ at best, since—as we had thought—people don’t like […]

10 reasons CDC keeps COVID vaccine data secret

We distinguished disease controllers at the Centers for Disease Control advise you, intelligent reader, of the good reasons why we’ve not disclosed what we know about the novel products coursing through the veins of many of your fellow perusers.   You see, we control disease.  It’s in our name.  So, anything we do is in […]

Another journalist’s messy demise

Jim Ducker, an investigative journalist covering the involvement of government figures and corporate executives in high crimes against the public, was discovered dead this morning in a pool of his own blood, crushed by a cinder block that struck him six times and skewered by two daggers found embedded in his eye sockets. His death […]