After years of painstaking experimentation and grueling research, experts have finally determined the optimum method of absorbing H2O.
The scientists who made the discovery announced yesterday the results of more than 40,000 randomized control trials that were conducted from 2007 to 2019 with the goal of identifying the safest and most efficient way to import water into the human body. Their determination, based on millions of hours of labor generously funded by taxpayers, was that water should be ingested through the mouth.
“It almost sounds too easy, doesn’t it?” said Rand Puchawara, PhD, who directed the study. “I must admit, I kind of had a feeling that we would arrive at this conclusion. But, of course, science is based on experimentation and diligent observation — not on gut feelings or instinct. Now we can be absolutely certain that drinking water is the best way to take it in. I’m glad we got that sorted, and not a moment too soon, I would add!”
Puchawara was referring to a deadline imposed on the WaterCon program, through which he and his colleagues conducted the experiments, by the Department of Health and Human Services. The DHHS had made clear to the scientists that 12 years was all they would have to test their hypotheses and reach a final conclusion before the program’s funding would be pulled.
“They [taxpayers] were funding us to the tune of $16 million per year, totaling almost $200 million throughout the course of our study. So, naturally, we owed them some results. And here they are: keep drinking water. It really is the best way to hydrate your body, scientifically.”
Other methods of hydration that were tested on WaterCon’s human subjects included through the nostrils, ear canals, eye sockets, and umbilicus. “There were other methods that we tested, with lackluster results,” Puchawara stated. “Everyone had their own theory about what was best. In fact, this one guy… never mind.”
Puchawara’s next study will attempt to bring closure to the age-old question of whether legs are actually the limbs that humans should use for walking. “I’ve got a theory about that, too,” he said. “But I’m going to wait to disclose it until the results are in.”