After years of painstaking experimentation and grueling research, experts have finally determined the optimum method of absorbing H2O. The scientists who made the discovery announced yesterday the results of more than 40,000 randomized control trials that were conducted from 2007 to 2019 with the goal of identifying the safest and most efficient way to […]
Tag: news
Dr. Fauci adamant in belief that he still has credibility
Anthony Fauci, the embodiment of Science who assured everyone that they wouldn’t contract or spread Covid if they received an experimental gene therapy injection, wants to assure everyone of his sincere belief that he’s not completely full of it. Speaking to a handpicked selection of regime-approved news spreaders, the good doctor doubled down on his […]
President vows to appoint first red-haired, olive-skinned paraplegic to Supreme Court
In what has been hailed as a bold move in the fight against discrimination, President Biden has promised that his next appointment to the Supreme Court will be a red-haired, olive-skinned paraplegic no taller than six feet. The announcement came yesterday as the President’s handlers were swapping out the note cards that he uses to […]
Biden admin changes definition of ‘senile dementia’ before President’s psych evaluation
WASHINGTON—In a move that’s been baselessly criticized as an act of saving face, the White House has updated the definition of “senile dementia” in advance of President Biden’s cognitive examination. The decision was announced as part of a package of new definitions for terms like “recession,” “unemployment,” and “fit to hold office.” Chief of Staff […]
Armed conflict in Ukraine almost as bad as last weekend in Chicago
KYIV—As Russian military forces maneuver to control the Donbas, violence in the key industrial region of Ukraine has become nearly as deadly as a weekend in the Midwest. With 27 soldiers killed in action and another 49 wounded for a total of 76 casualties on both sides of the conflict, Russia’s latest campaign has caused […]
House Speaker revises her statement: husband may be “above the law”
WASHINGTON—House Speaker Pelosi was forced to walk back a statement she wrote and delivered in a televised address during the lead-up to one of her latest impeachment efforts. Speaking from her seat in the House Chamber, the four-term Speaker made the correction during a motion to table a motion for a debate on criminal […]
Economists: problems we caused offer chance to foist prebuilt solutions on dim proles
Weighing in on the converging crises of runaway inflation, trade disruptions, and food scarcity, a number of economic policymakers and influencers have maintained that the impending disaster they have brought about represents a shining opportunity for premeditated socioeconomic upheaval. Speaking from atop his gilded Ivory Onyx staircase in the Azores, Klaus von DuPont Smedley-Kurtz III […]
Poll: people like to be polled
The people we polled have spoken: “yes!” to polls. The latest results from our polling indicate that people enjoy the experience of being polled. “I don’t think anyone saw that coming,” said Chief Polling Officer Jake Zinser of Pollers Express. “We were hoping for a ‘maybe’ at best, since—as we had thought—people don’t like […]
President slammed for choosing ‘X’ as third gender option: why not ‘Y’ or ‘O’?
Outrage has followed the announcement from the President that the letter “X” will be included as an option along with “F” and “M” for gender on U.S. Passports, as the ACLU and other organizations criticize what they view as flagrant consonant bias. The announcement, which came in the midst of a series of scandals […]
Zoom call attendee glad no one knows he’s just watching self the whole time
DES MOINES—An Iowa business owner spent an entire Zoom call staring at his own digital image, and he’s pleased about it. Tate Walstrom, proprietor of Tate’s Gates in Altoona, could not tear his eyes away from the mirrored video stream of his face while attending a half-hour virtual meeting for property managers. Offering limited […]