Economists: problems we caused offer chance to foist prebuilt solutions on dim proles

The solution to global socioeconomic disaster awaits the people’s surrend— uh, approval.

Weighing in on the converging crises of runaway inflation, trade disruptions, and food scarcity, a number of economic policymakers and influencers have maintained that the impending disaster they have brought about represents a shining opportunity for premeditated socioeconomic upheaval.

Speaking from atop his gilded Ivory Onyx staircase in the Azores, Klaus von DuPont Smedley-Kurtz III proclaimed, “Now is the time to do what we never thought we could do despite having planned it well in advance.  In this moment of crisis, the people must be assured that they are far too obtuse to understand the complex interplay of national and international monetary and fiscal policy, let alone do anything about it.”

The German-French industrialist, poet, and astrotourist exerts notable influence over official economic policy in many EU nations, in spite of occupying no elected or appointed position.  He was joined on the staircase by Prince Adler St. Clair Sinclair, who was fresh from his hunting trip in Antarctica having just completed a brief sojourn in Tibet after a respite in the Seychelles.

“Penguin is the tastiest meat alive,” admitted Sinclair, “And it’s just too bad that so few others will ever know that.”  After a quick briefing from his publicist, Sinclair switched gears, saying, “Of course, the economy…  We must take that over, as well.”

Alluding to trade regulations, state-imposed limits on private businesses, and the unceasing devaluation of fiat currencies, the oligarchs expressed conspicuous optimism, at one point going so far as to engage in a spirited bacchanalian frenzy aboard Sinclair’s fleet of genuine mahogany superyachts.  Beaming smiles and cries of “Just try and stop us!” could be heard throughout the press junket, leading many to believe that the pair of insiders are bullish on their personal investment choices, namely hypersonic missiles and healthcare.

“Crises are never as entertaining to waste as beluga caviar or foie gras, so, be sure to have your valet de chambre prepare your estate,” concluded Smedley-Kurtz III.  “We live in unprecedented times but, fortunately, some of us know exactly what to do.  In your case, that’s what we tell you.”