Anthony Fauci, the embodiment of Science who assured everyone that they wouldn’t contract or spread Covid if they received an experimental gene therapy injection, wants to assure everyone of his sincere belief that he’s not completely full of it.
Speaking to a handpicked selection of regime-approved news spreaders, the good doctor doubled down on his assertion that, despite mounting evidence to the contrary, he’s worth listening to as a trustworthy source of information. To demonstrate his unshakeable reliability, Fauci offered the self-evident truths that water is wet and fire burns.
“I make you this promise,” he said, adjusting his wisdom-conferring spectacles, “If you follow my advice, you won’t get sick. And I advise you to stay indoors, smother your breathing holes, and get injected with this new and relatively untested technology that comes with a bunch of undisclosed ingredients. Don’t trust me? I don’t know why. The sky is blue — see? I speak the truth!”
Fauci went so far as to claim that people who aren’t hopelessly naive place a lot of stock in his opinions, stating, “I’m a doctor. Are you a doctor? Well, okay then. I am one. And I’ve been entrusted with an important position by people who are also pretty important. If they have the sense to recognize that I’m not lying through my teeth, then you should too.”
When pressed by some small-minded science denier about his alleged funding of gain-of-function research and baseless conspiracy theories about perjuring himself when questioned by Congress, Fauci did what any honest doctor would do: he laughed and issued a stark denial before having the impudent slime ejected from the room. That sure showed everyone.
“Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha,” the doctor intoned, “If I were guilty of those things, do you honestly believe I’d be standing here today? I assure you: I am standing here. And today, no less.”