Author: S. Bolson

Easier done than said

Nothing is easier done than said. Saying it takes two syllables. Doing it takes nothing.  Not a thing. No thing.   That is what “nothing” means: no thing. But saying “no thing” was too much, so they shortened it.

Omg plz: look how we got ‘nentba’

2 April 2113 New England Journal o’ Net Lingo, 9(3) Research pioneered by Seamus P. Hoffstead, PhD in the field of abbreviations’ history has yielded stunning revelations concerning the etymologies of many digislang terms, notably this ironic gem from almost a century ago. Printed below is a recently decoded SMS exchange between Holly Harmon and […]

How do you like your vaccine?

More than 4,000 doses of the COVID-19 vaccine were wasted in Maine as they had reached a temperature too high to remain effective, while in Michigan nearly 12,000 doses were thrown out because they had gotten too cold. But in New York, the third bowl of vaccine was juuuust right.

To spite face 13th in top 20 reasons to cut off nose

Those goons at Gorer mag just did their annual round-up of reasons their readers give them for having sliced off their snouts in the past year, and the results may raise some eyebrows. [SPOILER ALERT] Spiting your face came in 13th! Here in descending order are Gorer’s “Top 20 Nasal Mutilation Justifications”: 20) Fit head […]

North Carolina: second in flight?

With revelations about Gustave Whitehead, whose aircraft reportedly flew in southern Connecticut over a year before the Wright Flyer at Kitty Hawk, North Carolina may wish to reconsider its slogan, ‘First in Flight.’ A whole new slogan.  Whole.  New. So many options…  Well, this is obvious, but… ‘Second in Flight’? Maybe not.  One down. There […]

Origin of the names Goldman, Silverman and Bronzeman

Alastair Necklebort, Randolph Squattpeter and Bentley Flitnipple sulked at their open lockers. “I do not care for my name,” Alastair muttered. “Me neither,” the others intoned. “I am going to change it.” “Great idea,” Randolph offered, “I don’t care for my name either.” “But,” said Alastair, “you just admitted that.” “No,” Randolph replied, “I was […]

Red means ‘go’

On a traffic light, green is always on the bottom.  Even when it was just her and red.   And she was okay with it then, as long as red was happy, because she’s a nice color. Then yellow came along.  Like a wedge. Of all colors to come between her and red it had […]

Radio ad overlooks golden age of floors

You cannot trust advertisements. One of them said, “As long as there have been floors, there have been accidents, spills and the need to clean them up.” How was that confirmed?  There was no citation, no reference. Have they not read Samuel Johnson’s Complete Historical Account of Floors?  Even the abridged version? Johnson makes the […]

Attempted suicide note

Among the effects of billionaire investor Guy von Blitzen to be recovered from the wreck of his Sunseeker 131 was a handwritten suicide note.   Within hours of the collision with a rock in the Adriatic Sea which reduced his superyacht to flotsam, this note was made public by an exuberant tabloid press before Mr. […]