Paul Pelosi scores another winning stock trade that was definitely not insider

Insider trading is a serious crime, but it’s nothing to worry about if you can get away with it.

You gotta hand it to Paul Pelosi.  Not even Warren Buffett is this good.

Just ahead of the announcement that Congress was scheduled to vote on a $52 billion subsidy for the computer chip industry, he acquired between $1 million and $5 million of stock in Nvidia, a semiconductor manufacturer.  This man’s got a crystal ball.  Did he promise his wife, the Speaker of the House of Representatives, this invaluable orb in exchange for inside info?  

Definitely not, according to Speaker Pelosi.

Suspicions of illegal, dishonest trading practices were quickly and definitively laid to rest when Drew Hammill, spokesman for Speaker Pelosi, assured the nation, “The Speaker does not own any stocks.  As you can see from the required disclosures, with which the Speaker fully cooperates, these transactions are marked ‘SP’ for Spouse.  The Speaker has no prior knowledge or subsequent involvement in any transactions.”  

Done and done.

So, now that we’re sure that the House Speaker’s spouse had not received any advance knowledge about the $52 billion subsidy that the House Speaker put to a vote in Congress the week following his purchase of more than $1 million of stock in a company that directly benefitted from the subsidy, the matter can be laid to rest once and for all.

In fact, Paul Pelosi is so above suspicion that he swiftly sold the stock he had just acquired days prior at an incalculable loss, proving definitively that he has no interest in profiting off of knowledge that he never had in the first place but, were he to ever have such knowledge, would never use unlawfully anyway.

These actions are not those of a lying, insider-trading crook, but of a daring, prescient wunderkind who cares deeply about the appearance of propriety and makes unbelievably timely trades that almost seem to display a degree of foresight.  If all investors were a little more like Paul Pelosi, perhaps they’d have to close the stock market for good.