In observance of World Toilet Day, the President’s handlers undid his harness and allowed him to utter a few words and other vocalizations to his adoring public. The President said, “I remember that toilet. So great, the way she handles herself in the midst of it all. She would’ve made a better VP pick than […]
Minimum security prisons are the best security prisons
What I said? It’s true. Prison the real anthill. That trash on TV and movies never show it the way the life really is. I chose solitary instead of B Wing at Lovelock to get away from some wiry Crip’s shiv. Had to choke my cellmate to get there. You got to go out your […]
The growing glutton’s glute-busting, gluten-free, low glycemic gruel
Have you heard? Gruel is the new stew. Here at Please All Trendily Inc., we are not about to let this gluten-free craze pass us by. We know: we’re seriously late to the game on this one — it’s like the seventh-inning stretch here! Sorry… one of our editors (not the one who […]
Unvaccinated should get vaccinated to protect themselves from the already vaccinated
Health officials have urged unvaccinated people to get vaccinated in order to protect themselves against pathogens from vaccinated people. In an unrelated story, that clown at the end of the block is urging children under 10 to accept his candy in order to avoid being the last one to taste it.
5 essential COVID-friendly Halloween costumes
Trick or treat! Um… treat, please! Minus the covid! Who wants some icky covid stain on their treat, right? Get that icky off! Nothin’ scarier than that exosome-lookin’ freak stalkin’ ‘round our candies. Think of the children! Halloween’s, like, the ONE day of the year where it used to be acceptable to wear a mask […]
Maskless man terrorizes partygoers
Attendees of the 47th Annual Uptown Charity Ball were assaulted by the exhalations of an unidentified man whose features were in no way obscured by a facial covering. The man, who wore no mask on his face whatsoever, claimed to have been invited to attend the prestigious gala that attracted over 250 people. While […]
Factcheck: U.S.A. is not “going to hell in a handbasket”
Alarmists have been spouting this nonsense for years: “America is going to hell! In a handbasket!” Besides the obvious factual error in that statement (Factcheck has confirmed that there is no hell, only hot rocks underground), the implied message is also incorrect. In actuality, America cannot and does not “go” anywhere, given its status as […]
Top 10 GMO pets for pod living
With the recent surge in pod living has come the need to accommodate some of our four-legged friends in increasingly tighter spaces. And, while inviting your rat Cheesy into your bunk might present fewer issues than that dude who wants you to step over his bullmastiff every day on your way to the frozen yogurt […]
Mastercard to find itself less awkward name
In the wake of the removal of a Robert E. Lee statue in the formerly slave state of Virginia, Mastercard Inc. has announced a forthcoming change to its brand name. Citing several complaints from its own ranks as well as from stakeholders as far afield as the unskilled labor sector, the multinational financial services corporation […]
Unvaccinated should get vaccinated to protect the already vaccinated
All right, I know the title doesn’t seem to make any sense, but, just hear me out here. The vaccines are safe and effective, so you should get vaccinated, if you haven’t already. If you don’t get vaccinated, you’re putting yourself and everyone around you at risk, whether they’re vaccinated or not. Pay […]