KYIV—As Russian military forces maneuver to control the Donbas, violence in the key industrial region of Ukraine has become nearly as deadly as a weekend in the Midwest. With 27 soldiers killed in action and another 49 wounded for a total of 76 casualties on both sides of the conflict, Russia’s latest campaign has caused […]
House Speaker revises her statement: husband may be “above the law”
WASHINGTON—House Speaker Pelosi was forced to walk back a statement she wrote and delivered in a televised address during the lead-up to one of her latest impeachment efforts. Speaking from her seat in the House Chamber, the four-term Speaker made the correction during a motion to table a motion for a debate on criminal […]
Respect. Click here.
Respect. Because you’re a winner. Win. Because you need to respect. Lose. Because you can’t win them all without cheating. Cheat. Because you want to be a winner, don’t you? Claim. Because dependents can lower your tax obligation. Observe. Because then you can make observations. Listen. Because hearing doesn’t cut it. (Deaf? Sorry.) Breathe. Because […]
5 traits of successful billionaire sociopaths
Remorseless execution of revenue goals is never easy, especially when you’ve got a conscience to suppress. Homo sapiens of all intelligence quotients and social statuses require some level of respite and emotional release, engendering the necessary evils of paid time off and parental leave. Despite these inherent flaws and additional weaknesses of character, humans have […]
Who needs trees when you have technology?
Striking a blow against climate change, the Department of Energy will spend $3.5 billion on direct air capture, a thermochemical process that—as if by suction—pulls carbon dioxide out of the air. When asked where the idea came from, Secretary Granholm explained: “The initiative came in response to an overwhelming number of inquiries about whether […]
Doing Is Done by Doers: Get SolutionForYou, the Solution for You
Are you tired of those old solutions that just aren’t for you? Well, you’re in luck. Because this solution… Is for you. Introducing SolutionForYou, the solution. For you. Those tired old products they’re calling “solutions” these days just don’t solve anything anymore. Not so with SolutionForYou, which solves lots of things for consumers. Consumers like […]
Economists: problems we caused offer chance to foist prebuilt solutions on dim proles
Weighing in on the converging crises of runaway inflation, trade disruptions, and food scarcity, a number of economic policymakers and influencers have maintained that the impending disaster they have brought about represents a shining opportunity for premeditated socioeconomic upheaval. Speaking from atop his gilded Ivory Onyx staircase in the Azores, Klaus von DuPont Smedley-Kurtz III […]
Poll: people like to be polled
The people we polled have spoken: “yes!” to polls. The latest results from our polling indicate that people enjoy the experience of being polled. “I don’t think anyone saw that coming,” said Chief Polling Officer Jake Zinser of Pollers Express. “We were hoping for a ‘maybe’ at best, since—as we had thought—people don’t like […]
10 reasons CDC keeps COVID vaccine data secret
We distinguished disease controllers at the Centers for Disease Control advise you, intelligent reader, of the good reasons why we’ve not disclosed what we know about the novel products coursing through the veins of many of your fellow perusers. You see, we control disease. It’s in our name. So, anything we do is in […]
Federal Reserve notes a cheap, abundant source of insoluble fiber
Fiber isn’t sexy. In a nationwide poll to identify the least sexy of all the micro- and macronutrients, fiber came in first and third — insoluble fiber took gold, with soluble fiber winning bronze after sulfur narrowly edged it out to snag silver. Monetary policy isn’t sexy, either. No elaboration necessary. I never cared […]