Astronomers discover cause of coronal mass ejections: yep, it’s white supremacy

Racial supremacism can be found in celestial bodies that you wouldn’t think capable of harboring it.

You can’t spell “supremacy” without C-M-E (in reverse order and combined with other letters). 

Potentially deadly coronal mass ejections, or CMEs — those big hot bursting things that shoot off the Sun’s surface — are the direct and tragic result of white supremacy.  So says a report coming from the Incredibly Sorry Astronomers of America (ISAA), whose annual conference, Repenticon, was held last weekend at the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor.  

“These findings are devastating, but not altogether surprising,” said Clarence Vozman, Lead Researcher and Guilt Strategist for ISAA.  “White supremacy is behind so many other things, like war and slavery, hunger, selfishness, discomfort… the list goes on.  Who knows what else it’s behind that we don’t know about?”

Vozman and his team of researchers discovered that flux ropes, or helical magnetic fields with changing pitch angles, are common in CMEs.  Lengths of rope have, at many times in history, been used to advance white supremacist causes.  It’s also common for a CME to exhibit a bright leading edge.  The leading edges of many CMEs are so bright, in fact, that one could say they’re “white.”

“White is not a color — it’s the absence of color,” Vozman observed.  “And also really hot flames are white.  The hottest, in fact.  Hot like the flames of colonialism — white colonialism.  The hottest kind.”

Vozman’s statements have gone unchallenged as they are self-evident, being verified by science, history, and several experts.  However, ISAA researchers have detected an even greater threat that makes common, run-of-the-mill CMEs appear weak and insignificant, like the pathetic haters that they are.

The threat?  Interplanetary coronal mass ejections (ICMEs).  

That’s right — hate’s all grown up and it’s doing the town.  And by “doing the town” we mean “getting beamed at our planet from outer space.”  As if there weren’t enough already!  

ICMEs are much worse than CMEs, warns ISAA.  “Imagine every bigot you’ve ever seen hitching a ride from the center of our solar system to crash-land on Earth and disseminate their hatred via the very sunlight that nourishes our plant life, our bodies, and our souls,” said Vozman.  “That’s white supremacy for you.”  

To protect against ICMEs, ISAA recommends building your own safe safe space (a place where your feelings are respected that’s also a bunker or fallout shelter).  Visit the ISAA website for more information about CMEs and exclusive insights about electromagnetism and its shocking connection to the fascist movements of the 20th century.