Accused criminal, friend of this publication’s owner is actually “decent guy”

Celebrated hedge fund billionaire and renowned philanthropist Arthur Blankfield is poised to be proven categorically guiltless in the matter of the alleged double homicide perpetrated on his Ferretti 920 yacht while he was sending a letter by facsimile. Though accused of murdering two Malaysian prostitutes with a Pelikan Souveran fountain pen in the master bedroom […]

Coalition of dolts launches Ass Rights Movement

An assemblage of stunted personalities has just made a call to arms for simpletons worldwide to unite and demand fair and equal treatment under the law, an increase in their representation in various organizations and industries, more favorable depictions in media and special treatment under the law. “We just want our voice to be heard,” […]

Undressing vegan Italian dressing

This bangin’ vegan-cozy recipe will have your guests swearing off meat for-E-V-E-R.  I am not messin’ around with you.  DO NOT feed this to your guests if you plan on serving them meat afterwards.  They will refuse it!  All they will want to do is guzzle the dressing while demanding this recipe — so just […]

Unorthodox recruitment style

A woman was arrested in Brooklyn for allegedly stealing a U.S. Postal Service truck, driving a mile and crashing into more than a dozen vehicles along the route.  After her release from custody, the woman was immediately hired as a driver for the U.S. Postal Service.

Oil spill mystery solved

A massive clean-up effort is underway after an underwater pipe leaked 600 gallons of petroleum into San Francisco Bay.  When asked for comment on why its oil keeps ending up in natural bodies of water, a representative of the Chevron Corporation answered, “Because that’s where the pipes are.  Duh.”

Here are 12 good reasons to keep wearing a mask

Oh, sure — we’ve got a vaccine now.  We’ve lifted those restrictions that have kept us distant from each other for far too long.  We’re even throwing caution to the wind by allowing businesses to do business as they had been before this whole thing began (and in the cases of Walmart and Amazon, even […]

Incumbent double dares voters to vote for opponent

Eschewing the normative methods of attracting voters (e.g. rallies, photo ops, talk show appearances), U.S. Rep. Byron Lamont Jackson (R-MS) has issued a puzzling statement to his constituents. “I dare y’all to vote for the other guy.  Go ahead.  I double dare ya!  See what that does,” proclaimed Jackson, clutching an unidentified electronic device with […]