5 essential COVID-friendly Halloween costumes

Bats are NOT covid-friendly.  Or, they’re a little TOO covid-friendly.  Know what I mean?

Trick or treat!  Um… treat, please!  Minus the covid!

Who wants some icky covid stain on their treat, right?  Get that icky off!

Nothin’ scarier than that exosome-lookin’ freak stalkin’ ‘round our candies.  Think of the children!

Halloween’s, like, the ONE day of the year where it used to be acceptable to wear a mask but now all of the days are like that.  Cool, huh?

So, without further ado (because we have paved the way for you to fully appreciate this list with a truly deft hand), here are Karen Karelike’s…

5 Essential COVID-Friendly Halloween Costumes

1. Properly Masked Batman

Oh, we wish we had a picture of this comic book favorite, as he appears with a standard N95 mask covering his lower facial area!  This patch of humanity remained treacherously exposed during Batman’s pre-pandemic outings, doubtlessly precipitating unreported illnesses and unexplained deaths throughout Gotham and beyond.  Pray for the Batman of old while hailing the new (at a safe physical distance in accordance with official guidelines)!

2. Sexy Sanitary Nurse

Just pretend that there’s a perfect onomatopoeia for prurient whistling and we wrote it right here.  That’s what you’ll be saying when you feast your eyes on those gorgeous gams that shoot out from below this super-suggestive uniform.  Look, but don’t touch!  This vaxxy vixen will spray Purell hand sanitizer all over your eyes and properly worn, certified facial covering if you get too close!

3. Six Feet of Spaceman/woman

Ground Control to Major Fun: we’ve got no problem with you!  That’s because you’re observing the six-foot rule, and your costume reminds everyone of how important it is to save lives through physical distancing.  Eight pairs of yardsticks are juxtaposed end-to-end and fastened with straps around your chest to jut out laterally in the shape of an octagram, clearly marking the boundary of your safe space.  Party down!

4. The Vaccinator

“I’ll be back… to give you a booster in three to six months!”  (By the way, anyone opting to put on this costume can totally have that line.)  It’s a giant syringe-looking suit that kinda mirrors the Tin Man, only he didn’t get myocarditis since he had no heart.  You’ll be the scariest m@&%$?#+! at whatever party you’re at, because this suit comes equipped with actual mRNA gene therapy treatments that are still in the experimental phase!

5. Howard Hughes

There is literally nothing to this costume.  Hughes was reputedly nude much of the time as he imposed what appeared to be a self-quarantine during his later years.  But what better way to escape an invisible boogeyman?  We are so there with you, Mr. Hughes.  Just keep stacking those facial tissues and avoiding interaction with humans as though it were the plague (it kinda is, right?)!  To achieve the full effect with this one, abstain from bathing for at least two weeks beforehand.  Facial tissues not included.