Tag: lists

Federal investigators recovered a handwritten “to-do list” rolled up in the style of a marijuana cigarette earlier this week at the residence of Paul Pelosi’s alleged attacker, David DePape.  Although the handwriting in the document has been described as faint and “barely legible,” specialists have recreated the list below. [From the residence of David DePape] […]

Don’t worry about the future.  The present is troubling enough!  But, there’s reason to rejoice, relax, and reframe our perceptions so that we can more easily embrace our roles within the post-apocalyptic economy directed by artificial intelligence, machine learning, and autonomous humanoid robots empowered with the lethal authority of the state.   No matter how […]

Remorseless execution of revenue goals is never easy, especially when you’ve got a conscience to suppress.  Homo sapiens of all intelligence quotients and social statuses require some level of respite and emotional release, engendering the necessary evils of paid time off and parental leave.  Despite these inherent flaws and additional weaknesses of character, humans have […]

We distinguished disease controllers at the Centers for Disease Control advise you, intelligent reader, of the good reasons why we’ve not disclosed what we know about the novel products coursing through the veins of many of your fellow perusers.   You see, we control disease.  It’s in our name.  So, anything we do is in […]

WILMINGTON—Moments before Russian Federation forces invaded Ukraine on February 24, U.S. President Joe Biden made the following pleas to Vladimir Putin, president of Russia, via private telephone conference: Come on, man. You won’t get away with that on my watch.  Oh, wait… is it my watch? You do that and I’ll cancel your pipeline.  Or […]

Trick or treat!  Um… treat, please!  Minus the covid! Who wants some icky covid stain on their treat, right?  Get that icky off! Nothin’ scarier than that exosome-lookin’ freak stalkin’ ‘round our candies.  Think of the children! Halloween’s, like, the ONE day of the year where it used to be acceptable to wear a mask […]

With the recent surge in pod living has come the need to accommodate some of our four-legged friends in increasingly tighter spaces.  And, while inviting your rat Cheesy into your bunk might present fewer issues than that dude who wants you to step over his bullmastiff every day on your way to the frozen yogurt […]

That whole “train was delayed” story won’t do in a remote work situation, so how do the cool kids handle those tense explainy moments when they sign in late and have to announce their tardiness?  So jazzed you asked.  You’re probably late for a semi-crucial or higher event right now so without any further ado […]

We’ve heard the names before, though we wish that we hadn’t, and that we were younger.   Riceman.  Ploughboy.  Underwater Cat.  Do these sound like winners to you? Comic book publishers have scrapped countless concepts for superheroes and villains, some more deserving of the shabby treatment than others (take The Incredible Sulk, please). So, how […]

Oh, sure — we’ve got a vaccine now.  We’ve lifted those restrictions that have kept us distant from each other for far too long.  We’re even throwing caution to the wind by allowing businesses to do business as they had been before this whole thing began (and in the cases of Walmart and Amazon, even […]