Oh, sure — we’ve got a vaccine now. We’ve lifted those restrictions that have kept us distant from each other for far too long. We’re even throwing caution to the wind by allowing businesses to do business as they had been before this whole thing began (and in the cases of Walmart and Amazon, even more so!).
So, should we take off our masks? The canaries in this coal mine seem to be singing. Nary a day goes by when I’m not subjected to the sight of bare, smiling faces, breathing viral particles all over the place, ruining things for everyone. The short answer: NO, for goodness’ sake! You’re going to kill us all! The long answer: I would say not, and here are 12 good reasons to continue covering up that face in shame.
- They’re hot. Like, so sexy. I mean, when was the last time you thought a mask actually improved someone’s appearance? It was really recently, right? Exactly.
- They show everyone just how thoughtful and caring you are. How else would they find out?
- Their tendency to promote bacterial meningitis is confusing and presents a problem when you’re completely certain that wearing a mask is just the right thing to do. It’s about saving lives, you guys.
- Unimpeded social interaction is overrated. There, I said it.
- The fashion industry was desperately looking for another accessory to market. By maintaining demand for their designer face coverings, we just might save these essential businesses. And that will help us all breathe easier (or with more difficulty — ha ha — am I right?!).
- They make holdups much easier to get away with. Ditto manslaughter and kidnapping. I’m told.
- You’ll want something to point to that isn’t just bare skin when you’re trying to nonverbally inform someone that they’re threatening people’s lives by not following the rule to hide behind a spit blocker.
- You’re not vaccinated, in which case you are poopy poop poop. And, I’m sorry, but poop poop is separated from the rest of society. Especially when it’s the poopy kind.
- You are vaccinated but you just can’t stand being the second-coolest person at the party (always a bridesmaid, never a vaccinated masker).
- You’d rather not be hassled by astute, well-intentioned kibitzers who are only trying to make you understand how dastardly your thoughtless negligence for not smothering your breathing holes is.
- Notwithstanding the numerous results of peer-reviewed studies indicating their inefficacy when it comes to the filtration of viral material, they might possibly provide some level (zero is a level) of perceived protection from things you cannot see.
- You’re sanding a ceiling, handling chemical or biological waste, or you’re a surgeon. And if any of those apply to you, you really ought to wear three masks. One for your job, one for the virus, and another to display your virtue.
And there you have it. Oh, I could have expanded this list by mentioning that the scourge of halitosis has not yet been defeated, or how ninjas never felt as accepted by society at large as they did during the height of mask mania. But those reasons are irrelevant. The only thing you should worry about is your life and the lives of those around you, keeping them safe, and making sure everyone knows that you would do anything to help them, especially when you think that they’re endangering you by being themselves.