An assemblage of stunted personalities has just made a call to arms for simpletons worldwide to unite and demand fair and equal treatment under the law, an increase in their representation in various organizations and industries, more favorable depictions in media and special treatment under the law. “We just want our voice to be heard,” […]
Undressing vegan Italian dressing
This bangin’ vegan-cozy recipe will have your guests swearing off meat for-E-V-E-R. I am not messin’ around with you. DO NOT feed this to your guests if you plan on serving them meat afterwards. They will refuse it! All they will want to do is guzzle the dressing while demanding this recipe — so just […]
Unorthodox recruitment style
A woman was arrested in Brooklyn for allegedly stealing a U.S. Postal Service truck, driving a mile and crashing into more than a dozen vehicles along the route. After her release from custody, the woman was immediately hired as a driver for the U.S. Postal Service.
Oil spill mystery solved
A massive clean-up effort is underway after an underwater pipe leaked 600 gallons of petroleum into San Francisco Bay. When asked for comment on why its oil keeps ending up in natural bodies of water, a representative of the Chevron Corporation answered, “Because that’s where the pipes are. Duh.”
MPA rerates “hurtful” and “mean” films like Bambi and Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
The Motion Picture Association released a report detailing its reasoning behind the rerating of some 85 classic feature films including Bambi, The Birds, 2001: A Space Odyssey and Who Framed Roger Rabbit?. As reported by Good Turn Daily, the organization reclassified a number of landmark titles from G to NN, meaning that they contain content […]
Here are 12 good reasons to keep wearing a mask
Oh, sure — we’ve got a vaccine now. We’ve lifted those restrictions that have kept us distant from each other for far too long. We’re even throwing caution to the wind by allowing businesses to do business as they had been before this whole thing began (and in the cases of Walmart and Amazon, even […]
Incumbent double dares voters to vote for opponent
Eschewing the normative methods of attracting voters (e.g. rallies, photo ops, talk show appearances), U.S. Rep. Byron Lamont Jackson (R-MS) has issued a puzzling statement to his constituents. “I dare y’all to vote for the other guy. Go ahead. I double dare ya! See what that does,” proclaimed Jackson, clutching an unidentified electronic device with […]
Fear is not the only thing to fear and here’s why that should frighten you
When Franklin Delano Roosevelt made his First Inaugural Address on March 4, 1933, naming “fear, itself” as the only thing we have to fear, he forgot one thing: terror. Terror is really, really scary. If you’re not terrified of terror then you should probably look up the word. It means “intense, overpowering fear,” according to […]
Spiking suicide rate prompts new wave of COVID-style lockdowns
Aiming to curb the epidemic of suicides plaguing the United States, governments from Maine to California are taking steps to ensure that the public cannot pose a threat to itself. “In the name of safety, we have to prevent people from having the ability to harm themselves,” insisted Ohio Governor Marjorie Black. The two-term governor […]
Dictionary releases second- and third-letter editions to eliminate first-letter bias
In an effort to alleviate the unfair and hurtful bias toward the first letters of words, Brentman-Hickok has proudly published second-letter and third-letter editions of its Fourth New International Dictionary. Aiming to be more inclusive and less discriminatory, the century-old lexicographic institution has at last put out their answer to the repeated claims of prejudice […]