Tag: news briefs

Who needs trees when you have technology?

Striking a blow against climate change, the Department of Energy will spend $3.5 billion on direct air capture, a thermochemical process that—as if by suction—pulls carbon dioxide out of the air.   When asked where the idea came from, Secretary Granholm explained: “The initiative came in response to an overwhelming number of inquiries about whether […]

Another journalist’s messy demise

Jim Ducker, an investigative journalist covering the involvement of government figures and corporate executives in high crimes against the public, was discovered dead this morning in a pool of his own blood, crushed by a cinder block that struck him six times and skewered by two daggers found embedded in his eye sockets. His death […]

Trudeau responds to protesters

Protesters in Canada have demanded an end to restrictive mandates that limit their constitutionally protected freedoms and threaten to physically violate their body sovereignty.   To address their concerns, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau promised to throw the protesters in prison where their constitutionally protected freedoms will be limited and… nothing else bad will happen to […]

Another kind of totalitarianism

Reports have arisen of creeping authoritarian influences usurping large portions of the news media in a bid to condition their readers into accepting brutal totalitarianism. In response, this publication denies any and all such reports, choosing instead to educate its readers about the benefits of good ol’ fashioned brutal totalitarianism.

Hospitals overrun with vaccinated patients, urge vaccination

Amid the recent surge in covid hospitalizations taking place in the world’s most vaccinated areas, administrators have pinpointed the likely cause of this surprising escalation in breakthrough cases. “It seems improbable that the vaccinated would be responsible for these numbers, given that the vaccines are effective,” noted Fritz Boehnerhaus, Director of Patient Relations at Grunberg […]

Mayor extends mandate in bold new tweet

“We know dropping anvils kills flies — our experiments have proven that.  Now let’s go even further. “I’m urging @GovHowl to extend anvil deployment wherever flies are found.  Let’s do what we can to keep our city, our residents, and our workforce safe by dropping anvils wherever flies are found.” -Mayor Smith

President commemorates World Toilet Day

In observance of World Toilet Day, the President’s handlers undid his harness and allowed him to utter a few words and other vocalizations to his adoring public. The President said, “I remember that toilet.  So great, the way she handles herself in the midst of it all.  She would’ve made a better VP pick than […]

Unorthodox recruitment style

A woman was arrested in Brooklyn for allegedly stealing a U.S. Postal Service truck, driving a mile and crashing into more than a dozen vehicles along the route.  After her release from custody, the woman was immediately hired as a driver for the U.S. Postal Service.

Oil spill mystery solved

A massive clean-up effort is underway after an underwater pipe leaked 600 gallons of petroleum into San Francisco Bay.  When asked for comment on why its oil keeps ending up in natural bodies of water, a representative of the Chevron Corporation answered, “Because that’s where the pipes are.  Duh.”