Accused criminal, friend of this publication’s owner is actually “decent guy”

Philanthropists do not kill people.  That would be illogical.

Celebrated hedge fund billionaire and renowned philanthropist Arthur Blankfield is poised to be proven categorically guiltless in the matter of the alleged double homicide perpetrated on his Ferretti 920 yacht while he was sending a letter by facsimile.

Though accused of murdering two Malaysian prostitutes with a Pelikan Souveran fountain pen in the master bedroom of the 28 meter-long vessel as it approached Vanuatu en route from Fiji, Mr. Blankfield maintains that he was sending an urgent fax at the time the pair of victims succumbed to the many wounds to their faces, chests and abdomens.

“I had nothing to do with it.  I’m completely innocent of this crime,” Mr. Blankfield claims.  “I assert that an as-yet unidentified assailant snuck aboard my yacht and committed the deed, or perhaps they murdered each other.  Or what do you call… murder-suicide, that’s it.  They did tell me they were into each other.  But that was before I went to send the fax.  I remember the time exactly because my fax machine is designed with a feature that provides the user — me — with the correct time.  I don’t know the brand… anyway, I must’ve invested in them or something.  But there’s no question about it: it’s a high-quality machine.”

A preliminary investigation by local authorities yielded very little evidence of foul play other than the victims and the writing instrument, the presumed murder weapon which was coated with their blood.  Initial fingerprint examinations of the stylus reveal many full and partial prints of Mr. Blankfield, a detail dismissed by investigators given his relationship to the pen.  No other individuals, besides Mr. Blankfield and the victims, were reported to have been on the yacht at the time of the alleged homicides.

“The idea that Arthur — uh, Mr. Blankfield — the idea that Mr. Blankfield could have possibly committed such deplorable acts is unbelievable.  Incomprehensible, in fact.  There is no way he did.  I play golf with him.  He’s a decent guy,” said Max Helferton, publisher of this periodical and close friend of Mr. Blankfield.  “The man is a paragon of leadership and service, an exemplary force in business and a kind family man.  He has cards sent to his children every year on their birthdays, usually ones that he picks out himself.”

While noting the marked coincidence that two sex workers he hired were found stabbed to death with his own pen on his own yacht while no one else was around, Helferton insists that there is ample room to doubt a prevailing suspicion that Mr. Blankfield might have done something criminal.  “He’s a giver.  Look at all of his good deeds.  He’s donated millions of dollars to tax-deduct… to charity.  I just can’t imagine that people can’t be persuaded by such great and selfless deeds to accept the pleasing thought that this is clearly a case of one man taking a break from his generous giving to go send an urgent fax only to find that some lowlife has crept onto his hard-earned boat and murdered his trusted business associates.”

Mr. Blankfield has not been arrested for this or any other crime, further supporting his innocence.  The paragon’s latest project, Trust Outreach, aims to connect disadvantaged Malaysian workers with qualified business consultants willing to donate their time to improve the workers’ living conditions.