Louis Pasteur’s journal

Cows used to eat fresh grass, before they realized their preference for spent grain.

A rare moment indeed, when one locates such a prized and sought after repository of firsthand discovery.  Louis Pasteur’s journal recounts his trials in developing the famous Pasteurization process, a name he took immense pride in designating.  Behold the immortalized words of a pioneering researcher, so far ahead of his time that his time finally gave up looking for him.

The Journal of Louis Pasteur

Day 1

Boy, cows are dim.  I mean, you feed them industrial waste and they chew it up like grass.  What else could we feed them just to get rid of it?  Perhaps they’d like some rubber…  Ah, well, another experiment for another time.  For now I’ll stick to my theory that boiling milk is the solution to our problem.  I mean, why else would all these milk drinkers suddenly fall sick after we suddenly started feeding industrial waste to cows?

Day 17

They do not like rubber.  Continuing with a steady diet of industrial waste.  What else could we have done with all this spent grain?  ‘Tis surely unfit for human consumption once we’ve extracted the good, whisky-making part of it.  And so… wait a moment… ah hah!  Whisky!  Let’s see what the herd thinks of that.

Day 19

No whisky for cows.  And no milk from cows who drink whisky.  I believed that everything was worth a shot but, now, I’m not so sure.  These experiments are proving every bit as insightful as they are a great way to validate my theory, which of course is correct.  

Day 27

Breakthrough!  After heating batch #8205 to 225° F for a period of fifteen seconds, the disease-inducing elements infecting the milk from the industrial waste-eating cows were effectively neutralized.  All we have to do now is boil all the milk from cows that feed on industrial waste.  I knew my theory to be right, and now it’s been proven.  Celebration is in order!

Day 30

Again, important to note that whisky is not for cows.  Jacques got a little overexuberant the other night and forgot the relevant findings from Day 18 [omitted]. 

Day 35

Success.  The trials have concluded.  Test Subject Group A, who drank boiled milk, show no signs of illness.  Group B, who drank unboiled milk from cows fed industrial waste, are falling ill.  Group C, who drank raw milk from grass-fed cows, they… what happened was… they— their records were lost.  And we haven’t found them.  We’ll keep looking, but it doesn’t look good.  Also there remains no budget to redo the experiments.  Mankind may simply never know.