Attempted suicide note

Pictured: not a Sunseeker 131. Not pictured: everything not in photograph.

Among the effects of billionaire investor Guy von Blitzen to be recovered from the wreck of his Sunseeker 131 was a handwritten suicide note.  

Within hours of the collision with a rock in the Adriatic Sea which reduced his superyacht to flotsam, this note was made public by an exuberant tabloid press before Mr. von Blitzen’s body, initially presumed missing, was discovered sipping coladas on the island of Olib.  

Mr. von Blitzen’s note is reprinted below.

25 December 2020

Cruel World,

Didn’t expect my final bet on communal punch bowls to be my undoing.  They’re usually way up around Xmas time.  But then, it’s just the latest blunder I’ve made this year.  Back in January who would have thought to bet against MLB, NFL, Applebee’s, Chili’s, hot dog carts, bulk food, and Corona beer?  When you add that to my shorting of N95 masks, hand sanitizer and PCR tests, 2020 was just not my year.  So, suicide it is.

I expect to be swallowed so don’t bother looking for my body.  If you find a half-empty Balvenie 50, it’s mine.  Although I suppose my wife should have it now that I’m dead.  

Tell her it’s half-full.  For me.