This bangin’ vegan-cozy recipe will have your guests swearing off meat for-E-V-E-R. I am not messin’ around with you. DO NOT feed this to your guests if you plan on serving them meat afterwards. They will refuse it! All they will want to do is guzzle the dressing while demanding this recipe — so just give it to them! — or else they’ll probably trash your house or spit in your face at the very least. If they do, see my other posts, “Untrashing a trashed abode” and “What to expect when you’ve been expectorated on.”
Prep time: 5 minutes
Servings: 6
Ingredients:
- 5 oz. extra virgin olive oil (make sure the olive trees were raised vegan — that means no animal was ever used in the production of any of the trees — so if an animal dies beneath a tree and the tree’s roots absorb any part of the animal, like blood for example, the tree is not vegan)
- 3 tbsp. white vinegar (grapevines are typically vegan, so no worries there, but the strictest of vegans wouldn’t be caught dead with a fermented product — yeast feel! — so you could try a 1-1-1 juice mixture of spinach, kale and radish instead; if juice is used, consume dressing quickly as its flavor will turn in 30 seconds)
- 3 tbsp. fresh chopped parsley (as always, I know there’s a comment to be made and preferably one that obliquely shows my admirable thoughtfulness and impeccable character, although here I’m afraid I’ve just written to see myself type)
- 2 tbsp. fresh lemon juice (you may recall my post, “Lemme unpeel lemons with my sharp hemp knife,” but if not, I recommend a gander)
- 2 tbsp. dried basil (of course I meant “gander,” as in to look at something, not the male goose)
- 1 pinch oregano (as if a pinch is ever welcome — #MeToo! — it’s so weird that a male animal has a different name than a female animal — that’s so sexist)
- 3 cloves minced garlic (I mean, we’re all ONE, right? So frying a fish is like frying yourself. Eating honey is like slurping down insect puke. Kidnapping and murdering unfertilized bird eggs is GENOCIDE.)
- salt & pepper to taste (I guess. I mean, if mouth pleasure is, like, a thing for you. In fact, I’m kind of regretting the decision to share this recipe with you. I’m not sure you’re ready. Maybe I’ll hold off on the directions til next post… unless you PROMISE you won’t serve meat to your guests. I don’t even know why I suggested that as a possibility — I know you’re not THAT barbaric.)
Directions:
In a small mixing bowl, include all ingredients except olive oil and salt & pepper (don’t worry — they will be included later — we strive to be as inclusive as possible!). Whisk together while gently persuading the olive oil to join the fun, inviting the salt & pepper last. Refrain from tipping the bowl over your opened mouth so the delectable vegan deliciousness can just parade down your grateful throat. Makes about 3/4 cup if the oil found you persuasive enough to bring all of itself.
Goes great on salads, veggie sandwiches, spicy oat bran, tofu, and that’s about it.